Learning to Thrive through tragic Times.

In my life I have  lived with a lot of death and devastation, I lost my best friend from HIV, my beloved grandmother, and my two children all in the same year. The most traumatic for me was the death of my children.  I was 14 when my son was born and 16 when my daughter was born, so needless to say I was very young and unprepared to be a father. My ex fiancée and I stayed together until we were 19 or 20 and our children went to live with her sister in NY after we split  This was decided by Maria my ex and not by me. My dream was to some day get them back with me when I got settled in my life. I have never really talked to anyone about how they died and what really happened to them.  Yet today April 1 would have been my son's birthday and I am feeling that it would be therapeutic to actually talk about their death. 


 My daughter was born with one lung and we had to make sure that she did not get a lot of colds or a severe flu or infection, or something  like pneumonia. When she was 10 she in fact did get pneumonia while living with her aunt who did not take her to the hospital in time, and she from pneumonia. I did not find out about my daughter's death until after the funeral. I do know that the last person she asked for was me, my son told me this, he said she kept saying were is my daddy why hasn't someone called my daddy. But their aunt told her that your daddy in in MI and you are not sick enough for me to call him.  My daughter, who was a very intelligent young lady and a straight A student that wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer. So she knew that she wanted to see her father, because she knew how sick she really was. That night before she died, her aunt told me that she said tell daddy I love him, and I forgive him for not being here.  I am still not clear on why I was not told of her death until after the the funeral, but I have an idea that Maria had something to do with this.   


My son and daughter were very close and he was very upset with me and his mother for not coming to her funeral. He called his mother who told him that she gave them up years ago and not to call her anymore. That is not really exactly what she said, she actually told him to never to call him again and he was not her son anymore. After that conversation he called me and was extremely upset and asked me if I felt the same. I told him of course not, and that I loved both him and his sister.  He said, and I quote, "If you fuckin loved me your sorry ass wouldn't have left us."  I tried to explain to him the situation, but he wasn't gong to hear it.  He felt rejected by his mother, and he felt like we both abandoned him and his sister. While I was trying to calm him down, my twelve year old son screamed FUCK YOU and  took a gun and shot himself while he was on the phone with me, he dies instantly.  I have been dealing with this for years now, and today he would have been 26 and my daughter would have been 24 last month. I think about them every day, and I think still have nightmares about that day 


Through the years I have had failed relationships, struggled with drug and alcohol abuse, and sex addiction.  I felt like their was a void left in my life when they died. I felt like if I could only have another child everything would be better. Yet, after a lot of soul searching I learned that replacing my children was not the answer.  I first had to learn how to respect and love myself again.  A lot of people has asked me  how to you get up a be so happy everyday after everything that has happened to you in life. I tell them if it had not been for my  faith, the smile you see on my face  everyday would nit be their.My faith got through depression, and thoughts of suicide.  I have learned how to get my soul at peace,  my mind calm, and my heart filled with love. I now love  someone unconditionally, and that someone is me. I still would love to be a father again, but if it never happens I will still be a happy man, and live my life with the person that I love.  My soul is at peace, and my heart is full of love, and I pray that this this story helps someone who may be going though a tough time.  Below is a short poem on how I know live my life.


Peace and Love
All That I am
All that I have to give
With Drips of 
Peace for you soul
Love in your heart and 
Inspiration for your mind


Let me say lastly that I pray everyday, and I am not a religious man, but a spiritual man who lives by the saying "We are all spiritual beings having a human experience." So whatever you are going though know that this to shall pass.




Peace and Blessings